happy girl

I'm moving in with Dan in roughly twenty days.

Can I even put into words the sort of dreamy state I'm in? I see him in another eight days, and then he's moving me here a week later...

How is it even possible to have such a good thing? He is incredible. He understands me and I can tell he's putting in effort, which is a lovely change of pace. I can also see his hesitance whenever I mention how anxious I am to move- I know he's afraid I'll choose to stay here. But I understand; I'm nervous he's going to TELL me to stay. We both know neither will happen, but that fear is there, you know?

We're talking marriage now. Talking, sort-of kind-of planning, almost.

I've always known he was the one I would end up with, but actually having it happen is like... Magic.

Yes, it feels like magic. Completely impossible to harness, absolutely beautiful and amazing.

I don't know how on Earth this happened to me.

I am such a lucky woman.

Such a happy girl.

isn't it horrible

how other people who have absolutely no right in the world to affect your relationship somehow manage to? exes. how they know how to spoil a good time.
you KNOW where he works, but you go shopping there anyway.
and you tell him you want to "talk."
I know what this means. it means you want to whine and whinge and cry and complain about how much you miss him, how wrong you were, how strong your love really is and you only just now realize it.
well I've had it in my head for five years. I realized it and I took action. I shower that man with as much love as I can from this distance. I always have tried to do that for him and now we are in love. he loves me. it is the best, most amazing feeling. I love him with every breath in and out and every step I make forward in my life, in our lives. there have been a lot of yesterdays in my life, but he is my tomorrow.
so, STOP. from woman to woman, STOP. this is my relationship and you are crossing the lines.
this shit is not cool.
suck it up, get over it. I know it was a long time and every first break up is hard. but believe me, you'll get over it.
he's happy with me. I love him immensely and he loves me just as much.
please, leave me relationship alone. it is annoying both of us. I do not appreciate it.

every single thing

everything you say to me is a good thing. you are the most adjusted, calm, collected, sweet, respectful, kind, caring, amazing person I've ever met. I can't explain how lucky I am to have you in my life in the way that you are.
to say that I love you just isn't enough.
to say I miss you just doesn't cover it.
I YEARN for you.
my whole body misses you.
and today, one month (well one hour and eight minutes ago) DOWN!

I love that you don't shy away from commitment.
you love me. and I know you do.
I love you.
I love this.
I love us.

dan,

I miss you so, so incredibly much.
it's kinda hard to take sometimes. like now.
I miss your chest and its warm beat.
your small smile that isn't really a smile, so it's almost like a secret.
holding your hand in your car with nothing but a few inches of silence between us.
going to breakfast and looking at you over a table, noticing how handsome you are.
sitting on your bed, knowing that you're going to kiss me.
baking things in your kitchen with your adorable assistance, feeling like we could do that every day.
I miss you and these things so much. I miss your hands on my body, your lips on my face, your skin on my skin. Not particularly sexual, but intimate. I miss our intimacy and all of the sweet things that make up who you are.
You are such a wonderful person, and you make me so happy.
I just wish I could be there to experience you some more.

so you're in love with your new faghag.

and isn't that grand? you are inseparable. you think she is the fucking bee's knees and she is sooo pretty, my oh my. you even postpone going to party with me by THREE hours just to wait for her to get off work. you tell me nine. then, ten thirty. then, a half hour. then, you're leaving now. I know that if I was telling you I didn't get off work until ten thirty you'd have been drunk at the party already. so go without me, because this shit is stupid. I am not going to tag along for some drunken, flamboyant display tonight. I was looking forward to the party, but now I'm just irritated that one of my best friends never actually puts his real friends first. the new ones, the shiny, exciting christmas wrapped ones.
fuck
you.

even when I'm feeling totally alone

... and I go to postsecret to read the latest secrets, once I finish them I look at the counter at the bottom of the page and see how many people looked at the page with me.
It was 2,100-something today.

proof that we aren't alone in the world.

I know I'm not.. but I'm alone in my home.
I miss dan.

halloween is so far away

when thinking of it in terms of seeing you.

I want to hold you and snuggle you and bury my face in your neck and play with your hair and kiss your cheek and hold your hands and sit in your lap and spoon you and play card games and go to breakfast.

and despite risk of sounding whiny,
I want it nowww.

I can wait.
just... impatiently.