in between what was said and was was not

I got that you didn't want to see me. that's why I'm afraid. because yes, I can take things slow, but in order for a relationship to work, I have to throw myself- as do you- in at full momentum and see where the wind blows. I can't hold back my thoughts or feelings and you have even told me this.
you say I need to tell you what's on my mind, and that you're here for me.
but I can't see you anywhere.
I asked you to come talk with me about what's on my mind
you asked, "right now?" and I said yes. I needed to tell you my thoughts and hug you.
you said nothing, so I assumed you were coming.
I made a pot of tea, and it's sitting on my wooden floor, cold, half empty because I drank what I wanted. the other half is there, waiting for you to reject it for being cold, and I'm waiting for you to reject me for not being as cold as you thought.
how does that make sense, that you would not want someone who so willingly is there for you, someone who cares, who you have fun with and are attracted to?
I don't get you.
one minute you tell me you're afraid of where we're going, and then we're in your kitchen, you're telling me I've grown more beautiful in the past ten minutes.
the next day, I get this feeling that you are still terrified. of course you are. beautiful doesn't mean you want me. it means you can see me.
I feel like such a fool for letting you in. I had this beautiful serenity and solitude that was simple and easily maintained. then you came along and I freaked out.
and I liked you. I like you. so much.
you are kind and generous and caring and you are overall a very good man.
the shared cups of coffee, scrabble and chess ames, teaching me to shoot pool, the rose that wilted too soon, saturday market, seaside, walking on waterfront, kissing you for the first time in my bed.

and you ignore me for three hours after I tell you I'm crying.

just now, you sent me a text message saying "I'm sorry I'm at wunderland I'll call you in a bit."

you say, "Are you okay? you sound like you're really freaking out."

and the pot of tea is on my floor.
and you're not here.

no, I'm not okay at all.