something.

yesterday I was sitting on my floor, doing some stretching and thinking about next weekend, and I started smiling. I felt so incredibly happy and grateful, and I just started crying. like, everything I had to deal with in the past few years makes sense and happened for a reason. every ounce of stress and anxiety and pain all lead me to this place where I am, and it felt so completely justified and okay. I made peace with the things that had been a painful memory and just embraced what I have now. I cried for the things I lost, but not because I felt their absence; I felt their impact on my beautiful life.
I've never actually felt so grateful for anything that I cried. I've cried over extreme home makeover, but never something like this. I've never felt that I had anything to be so grateful for.

I guess I'm just glad I finally made it to this place I'm at.
it's definitely the best place I've found so far.
not new and exciting in that way that only brand new things can be, but still thrilling.
not foreign and scary in the way that something not yet ventured might be, but still keeps me on my toes.
and still fresh and new and beautiful and old and requited and wonderful and lovely.

I am a happy camper.

seven hours is enough sleep.

it's kind of hilarious that my stress stomach aches are happening due to my being happy. I haven't felt so good in a long time. I'm just afraid of it all falling away, like it always did before. Maybe right now is the time when my luck turns around and I get to enjoy happy things. Luckily, I have reassurance and understanding of my anxiety from Dan. He gets that I'm just experiencing a normal kind of nervousness based on past events. I'm really grateful for that, and all the things he said to make me more comfortable last night.
The bridge between good friends who wants to be together and actually being together is a weird one if it's a five-year-long bridge. I'm glad there's still a kind of humor in everything and it's not like you can even question whether the person cares or not. I know he loves me. I know he cares about my feelings. He knows I care about him. He also knows how much I love him. So when I said I was having terrible anxiety over the possibility of him deciding against me, again, he understood that it was just me being cautious. And made me feel so much better.
Now I have a place to stay in California, and might be able to stay at his house a night, which would be wonderful.
I can't believe it's finally happening though. It's so easy and good and comfortable.

does it show?

I am having a good day. Though I've been waking up with these terrible stomach aches due to anxiety, I'm happy. Not like, content, but HAPPY. I haven't felt happy in a while. I felt like I was on my way to happiness, but now I feel like I've reached it. I mean. Not totally, of course. I still have no money and I have a roommate who hates me. But I feel like I've moved forward. In fact I feel slightly disrespectful of my relationship with Sam because I got over it so quickly. I mean, I loved him, but, not in the way that healthy relationships have love. I loved him with patience and adoration but without understanding or feeling adored. I knew we wouldn't last forever. Honestly, I'll miss his family/friends very much. They were pretty much the foundation of our relationship. And Pai Mei, the cat who kept walking on our faces while we were breaking up.
I have Winifred here though.
She has taken to liking me again.
Sort of.

I'm really nervous about what this little slice of life is going to be like, but I'm looking forward to it, nonetheless.

If you want to understand it a bit more, go here.

<3

world spins madly on.

seamless endings and beginnings. tears to excitement with nervousness in between. love and loss so close together.

sam broke up with me. kind of. he made me break up with him. I had to pack my things and leave, and it was, of course, hard to do. breaking up is hard to do. even if the other person is an ass. I think it's just NOT being chased that really kills it. Leaving, and not being followed. The other person not caring at all that you're gone. That sucks. Especially when you have put yourself into making that person happy, and the only thing that makes them happy is you leaving. That's awful.

But I called Dan.
And we talked.
And it was good.
It IS good.

I'm going there next weekend.

one more morning.

waking up alone.
I get to go to sleep tomorrow night looking forward to waking up early and going to the airport to get my beautiful boyfriend. Seeing him for the first time in ten days. Kissing him for the first time ten days. Holding his hands. These things that I do every day with him, when unavailable, mean so much. They mean enough as is, but when we're apart, it's like missing out on eating for ten days. It's uncomfortable and I really want to satiate my urges. I want to see him and hold him and cry into his shoulder because things are hard and his shoulder is where I should cry. Things ARE hard lately. The things that make up this photo are hard. The things that make up tomorrow and the next day are hard, and I really don't feel the need to go specific here since things are always hard. For everyone. Of course I write, if I didn't it would be a waste of a perfectly good tortured heart. Has there ever been a writer who was the popular girl, the one who was out every saturday night doing fun things? I think we're all encased by the awkward shell of not really understanding how everyone else does it. Not really getting their THINGS. I know that I wonder about my thoughts, and whether other people wonder about other's thoughts. Does everyone inspect their thighs when they sit on the toilet? Does everyone look at themselves naked in the bathroom mirror before showering? Basically, is my bathroom behavior that of others?

This has gone in weird directions.
Sleep soon, obviously.

aquarium.

I have no idea what to think.
I can't help but to worry and wonder.
I want to know
it all.

cliche.

Absence is to love as wind is to fire, it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.